I'm Holding On
by TurboWiz70
Summary: Our dreams are gone all because of that night. I awoke in a hospital, my husband holding my hand to tell me the worst news I could imagine. I'm carrying pain, guilt, and despair and he is there with me to help whenever I need him. One-Shot. Read, review, enjoy!


So, there was, doing laundry while trying to think of an ending for Chapter 102 of "If We Hold On Together" when _BOOM!_ I got this idea. Here's something you should all know: do laundry and great ideas will come to you (ha-ha). Anyway, here's my newest one-shot; title and quote inspired by the song "I'm Holding On" by Valora. Read, review, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or the song "I'm Holding On".

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I'm Holding On

I was crying again. I've been crying nonstop for three days. You can't really blame me, though, after everything my husband and I have been through. We have not been through a million small disasters, just one huge tragedy.

I leaned over the empty crib, by tears rolling off my face and onto the mattress. I did not know how it was possible that my heart was still breaking after everything. I could not believe Eli and I's whole world disappeared and how everything we had been hoping for had been taken away from us just like that. It was horrible how all dreams can be snatched from you in a blink of an eye.

I reached into the crib and picked up the blanket. My mother, Eli's mother, Fiona, Imogen, Alli, and Darcy knitted it together to keep Eli and I's baby warm and so he or she could be surrounded by their love. It was horrible to know that no child would cuddle with this blanket any time soon. I brought the fabric to my lips, my tears falling onto it. What would I not give to turn back time and change everything? Then maybe things could have ended differently. Maybe, just maybe, if I had done everything better, things would not have ended this way . . .

_Three days earlier . . ._

_I could not remember anything from the night before. All I remember was screaming and panicking as Eli sat by me in the ambulance. I held his hand until we arrived at the hospital, but then they told him that he had to stay behind. After that, I could not remember anything. I just prayed to God that the baby would be fine. The baby . . . it's all I had been thinking about for three months and now my thoughts about him or her were in overdrive._

_I lifted my eyelids and found myself staring at a white ceiling. I felt a needle in my right arm and my opposite hand was being held. I moved my eyes towards the person holding my hand and saw my husband sitting on the edge of my bed. _

_Eli's eyes were looking straight at me, but they looked different somehow. Ever since I told him that he was about to become a father, his eyes had been glowing. Why did he look so somber now?_

_"Hi," he told me softly, his voice weaker than usual._

"_Hi," I replied, my voice just as low. "What's going on?"_

_He took a breath and bore his eyes straight into mine._

"_Honey . . . you're in the hospital."_

_"Why?" I asked worriedly. "Is the baby okay?"_

_At those words, his tears came to his eyes, but he blinked them away; it was as though he was trying to stay strong about something._

_"Eli, what's wrong?" I asked._

_He sniffled and looked me in the eye again. He used his free hand to reach over to me and moved a strand of hair behind my ear; he always did that when I needed comfort and it usually helped. But why did I need comfort now?_

_"Clare . . . do you remember anything that happened last night?"_

_I started getting worried and my mind was racing so fast that I could not recall anything even if I wanted to._

_"No."_

_"Well . . . um . . . you started bleeding from . . . you know . . . and it was really bad."_

_"What are you saying, Eli?" I asked, feeling tears coming to my eyes. I had a horrible feeling that I knew what happened, but I would not admit it until he said the words himself._

_"Sweetheart . . . you had a miscarriage," he said, choking on his tears. "The baby's gone."_

_I could not even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for him to say those words, but it could not have been any harder than having to hear this news after just getting to the end of the first trimester. I was numb, but yet I felt pain at the same time. I did not know that this kind of hurt existed, but it did. Tears began falling down my face before I could even think of how to respond._

_"N-No. I-It can't be gone. W-We just w-went to a checkup two days ago; everything was f-fine. This can't be . . . it can't . . ."_

_Eli then leaned down and wrapped his arms around me, putting me into the most comforting embrace he could. I began bawling my eyes out, gasping through my sobs. I held on to Eli as tight as I could, not being able to take this. I cried in Eli's arms and I heard Eli sobbing as well. Both of us were so excited to become parents and bring our first child into the world, but now it was nothing more than a broken dream . . ._

I was discharged the next day, but the pain did not numb the slightest. All day, people were coming in to see me when all I wanted was to go home and be alone. I have never felt so low in my life; it was so bad that I did not even want to see my husband. He only took one day off work while I was in the hospital, but after that we were back to our old routine. I was alone in the house for eight hours a day and I spent most of it in the nursery.

I had so many fantasies about being in that room with Eli and I's baby ever since we set it up; we sorted it out early so we would not have to do anything last minute and it became my favorite room in the house. The room was sky blue, since we believed that would be a color to fit either gender; it broke my heart knowing that we would never know whether I would have had a son or a daughter. I would imagine sitting in the rocking chair as I cradled the baby in my arms with Eli watching over us. The idea of that never coming true any time soon practically killed me.

I began to cry harder than ever as I laid the blanket back in the crib. I stood there and cried and cried and cried until I felt a gentle pair of hands begin massaging my shoulders. I was startled at first, but when I noticed that it was Eli, I relaxed and continued sobbing.

"Rough day?" he asked.

I nodded, wishing that I had enough courage to put this behind me and go forward. Then again, this was not the ending I pictured for my first pregnancy.

"Do you need to lie down?" he asked me.

"I'm fine," I said.

"Clare."

"I'm fine," I repeated, wiping my eyes.

"Sweetheart, the doctors told you that you need to –."

"_I don't care_!" I snapped. I turned around with such force that his hands practically flew off my shoulders. "I can rest all I want but it's not going to bring the baby back!"

"But if you don't care of yourself –."

I let out a bark of laughter.

"I _did_ take of myself. I made sure I ate properly, I exercise enough, I took my vitamins, I did everything, and now our baby's gone! What good is taking care of myself going to do now?"

I stormed out of the nursery and into Eli and mine's room, slamming the door behind me. I collapsed on the bed, my eyes beginning to leak again; I did not know that a human could cry this much. I only cried for ten minutes until I had calmed down a bit; my stomach was hurting, but that was because I got myself worked up. Deciding not to move, I kept still, wishing that Eli was in here with me.

This was not the first time I had flown off the handle like this; ever since we got back from the hospital, I've had at least two breakdowns a day. He had learned that I had needed time alone and time to calm down and that was why he had been keeping his distance.

"Eli!" I tried calling, but my voice was not that strong.

Surprisingly, despite the weakness of my voice, he heard me and came in the room seconds later. He came towards the bed and sat beside me.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked, moving hair behind my ear again.

I shook my head. He knew I was heartbroken about the miscarriage, but we have never talked about it. I had never voiced how depressed I felt . . . how weak I felt . . . how I felt so guilty.

"I-I killed our baby."

"No," Eli said, reassurance coating his voice. "No, sweetheart. Why would you even think that?"

"Because it's true," I cried as he ran fingers through my hair in an attempt to soothe me. "I-I must have done something wrong or forgot to do something or –."

"Honey, it was not your fault. These things just happen."

"But what if I did something to –?"

"Clare, the doctors said you were healthy and you were doing everything right; it was just an unfortunate accident."

"But I could have done something. I could've saved him or her."

I began crying again and Eli held onto to me in comfort once again. I began crying into the crook of his neck as I wrapped my arms around him. He smoothed his hand up and down my spine as I cried.

"There was nothing you could have done," he assured me. "It's not your fault, okay? You did everything you were supposed to and you avoided everything you were supposed to avoid. This was nothing you could control, okay?"

I nodded, his words only numbing my guilt a bit.

"I-I wanted to have a baby so badly."

"I know you did," he whispered to me. "But, once you've recovered and when we're ready, there's nothing stopping us from trying again."

I heaved, trying to keep that in mind. I knew that just because this pregnancy did not work out did not mean that any future ones would suffer the same fate. However, I was not sure if I was ready to try again for a while. I leaned away from him and wiped my eyes before looking at him.

"Eli . . . I don't think I'm ready to try having another baby. I mean, I would like us to try again eventually, but . . ."

"It's too soon?" he guessed.

I nodded.

"And . . . I'm a bit worried because of everything that's happened, you know?"

He nodded in comprehension.

"So we can wait?" I asked.

"We can wait for as long as you need," he promised me, giving me another hug.

As I sat there in my husband's arms, I began to think. I may not have a baby at this point in time, but I had friends to support me, family to be there for me, and a husband who gives me unconditional love and comfort whenever I need it. This was a horrible tragedy for us, but I know he would be there to help me overcome it and we would be happy again soon. I knew without a doubt in my mind that we would have a child someday and he would be an amazing father as he was a husband.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too, Clare," he told me before leaning away to softly kiss my lips. In that moment, that one kiss, I knew that everything would be okay. It would be hard to overcome this pain, but I have my husband – the love of my life – with me and I could hold on to the future as long as he was by my side.

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"_I'm holding on to what is true_

_You're here whenever I need you_

_To show me all the things that really last"_

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